Since I don’t give a crap about the holidays and my family is having a Christmas party today, I needed an excuse to miss it. So I sat down this morning and thought – how can I efficiently waste my time and feel guilt free about bailing on my family? It was obvious, really. I need to educate the people on what Tiger was roughing up with his nine iron.

Elin Nordegren (The Model Wife)

Elin Nordegren is Tiger Woods’ current(?) trophy wife. She was formerly a Swedish bikini model (although she still is Swedish). She was his devoted wife for five years and popped out two tiger cubs for him. You would think that doing that alone would earn her a little respect from the Tiger Has-Wood!

I wouldn’t feel too sorry for her, though. Apparently she has a vengeance streak and does not accept getting messed around on for years. Norse women aren’t kidding. Elin had no qualms with scratching the crap out of Tiger and then beating him off. With a golf club. Until he was bloody.

Rachel Uchitel (The Hot Model)

So who are you going to be banging if it isn’t your hot Swedish model of a wife? Any chick with enormous knockers, of course. Tiger and Rachel met while she was working as a hostess in a Manhattan night club. Although it’s a few steps down from being Swedish or a model, I suppose it would do. She has been denying to the press that she and Tiger knocked boots, but we know better. Look at that rack. They have tiger prints all over them.

Jamie Jungers (The Almost-Model)

Obviously Woods got wood over Jamie because she was a hot as hell blonde who was kind of a model. (Not that it matters since he was banging a model at home anyway. I know from personal experience that model lays are all the same after so many, anyway.) She was having a 18-month long affair back when she was the ripe age of 20. She seems cute and doable but you got to question the morals of a chick who would come over to get pounded if she knew that the wife was gone. But I guess if you are the guy doing the pounding you really don’t give a crap anyway.

Holly Sampson (The Porn Star)

Banging Holly Sampson speaks for itself. She is a freaking porn star. If I was Elin, I would be upset with Tiger if he didn’t bang Holly. That would mean that he was just flat-out retarded. Holly has been in over 85 adult films, so I can guess that she is kind of good at the whole sex thing. Not only that but Holly is hot for a porn star. Most of those chicks have ridiculous bodies but when it comes to their faces, the years of wear, tear and cumshots are evident. Not with Holly though; bang-up job on this one, Tiger!

Cori Rist (The Hooters Chick)

Cori was one of those “who the hell?” chicks that Tiger couldn’t get enough of. They had a six month long affair during which he would fly her to where he was playing golf so he could drive it into her crotch before and after tournaments. Not a bad technique if you have stress issues. Or needing to bang whores issues.  Apparently Cori met Tiger in a Manhattan club as well. Only she was a step down from the hostess and she was just the girl puking up Tequila shots in the corner. Oh and did I mention she was a high class Hooters kind of girl?

Kalika Moquin (The Las Vegas Girl)

Other than having a fucked up name and pictures available on Facebook for me to stalk, I don’t know much about this Kalika chick. She works at a Las Vegas club, labeled as an “executive.” I have no idea if that means if she is really into the club management scene or if she is just the top stripper and they give her a title to make her shake her titties more for tips. She met Tiger in Vegas and they allegedly banged in October of 2009. That’s not too long ago so I’m sure that the confessions will come streaming out within the next few months or so after Tiger’s next round of affairs.

Jaimee Grubbs (The Weed Girl)

Although Jaimee Grubbs is stupid hot, boning her was obviously a bad idea for Tiger. She worked as a waitress and a clerk in a medical marijuana joint – aside from that she had no money or leverage. And what does that mean? Although Tiger was banging her for 31 months out of the love of game (when the game is fucking), you know Jaimee had her eye on the billionaire’s money. You got to hand it to Tiger though, he doesn’t pick fugly bitches.

Mindy Lawton (The Ugly One)

…and I take that back. He did pick one ugly lady. Relative to the other mistresses she is a downright dog, but I guess by herself she is still kind of bangable. Maybe. She was a waitress at an Orlando Perkins diner when she was spotted by the golfer and Tiger decided “CRAP! I need to stick my iron in that.” Apparently he really wanted some nasty-screw time, because Mindy is reporting that he did her in a church parking lot and loved to pull her hair and get rough. As fun as that sounds, you got to take the word of the ugly one with a grain of salt. She is probably dramatizing this whole “fucking” mess to get attention on her ugly face.

Related posts

Liked this article? Don't Keep It For Yourself!