There is one thing that I will never be able to tolerate – women who think they are funny. 99.9% of girls think that they’re a riot, but in actuality, I’d much rather be getting curbstomped IN a riot than listen to them prattle on. I will, however, make some exceptions:

#1 Kristen Wiig

Not only is Kristen Wiig “piss my pants then puke” hilarious, but she is also wicked hot. I mean, ridiculously hot. When a girl is funny (usually a statistical improbability) it multiplies how hot she is by like 4,000. That makes her hotter than Mother Theresa.

I first discovered Kristen Wiig on Saturday Night Live as her overly-competitive character Penelope. I now watch her every Saturday night and I am obsessed with  her to the point of what is legally known as stalking. I love you Kristen. Marry me and carry my seed.

#2 Tina Fey

On top of Tina Fey being uber hot, she is also an awesome television/comedy writer and has a super cool scar on her face. She also appeared on SNL, true, but what you didn’t know was that she was the first female head-fucking-writer for Saturday Night Live. And she created and stars in the hit TV series, 30 Rock. And she does a scary-good Sarah Palin impersonation. Jesus, Tina, you make even a successful, strapping, young man such as myself look like a pile of turds.

Oh and I see you Tina Fey. Bending over in that scandalously ridiculous outfit. Don’t think I don’t know what you’re doing to me and my manhood.

#3 Sarah Silverman

Sarah Silverman is one damn fine piece of Jewish ass. She is hot, edgy and it seems that she loves to show some side boobage (see picture above). I’m not sure when I first fell in love with Sarah, but I knew our love was real when I saw her “I’m Fucking Matt Damon” music video. Who wouldn’t love a girl who publicly announces that she is fucking Matt Damon (to her current boyfriend no less). She’s got some balls.

Note: I’m not really into girls with balls. That was 80% metaphorical.

#4 Anna Faris

Anna Faris is hot for three reasons. 1.) She is hilarious beyond words when she is acting hilljack fucking retarded and ditzy 2.) Her tight body 3.) Her tight body. Anna’s big debut was as Cindy in the first Scary Movie, aka the only good one. She tore up the screen with the Waynes brothers, Shannon Elizabeth and that one loud black chick. Although in Scary Movie she had greasy-ass brunette hair, I saw her potential to be a slutty blonde ditz who has a strong affection for fellatio (citation needed).

#5 Kristen Bell

Some of you may argue that Kristen Bell isn’t all that funny and what I need to say to you is this: fuck you – your mother hated you and your dad probably abused you and I think that’s funny.

In Forgetting Sarah Marshall, K Bell (what she begs me to call her during our loud, raucous sex sessions) is hilarious. Who better to play a hot starlet than a hot starlet? Not only is Kristen funny and clever IRL, but she is a nerd. She is a down to earth, funny, hot celebrity who deserves nothing better than to serve me chocolate chip cookies every day dressed as a horny Princess Leia. End of story.

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