Oh Hollywood starlets… how do you do the voodoo that you do? Wait, I know how! You all have extremely mouthwatering, perky tits on your chests. If anyone wants to get my attention all they need to do is shove some tits in my face and I’m theirs! I would ignore a kitten staked to the ground that was fully engulfed in fire if I had a good pair of knockers to ogle.

Scarlett Johansson

Scarbear wins this competition hands down – or tits out! There is nothing more I want for Christmas than to give her sweater puppies a pet. If it wasn’t for this damned restraining order!!! Fact: Ryan Reynolds is the luckiest man alive.

Check out more Scarlett Johansson cleavage here!

Kim Kardashian

This post wouldn’t be complete without a tit-tastic shout out to the attention monger, Kim Kardashian. I feel kind of bad for her monster sister and then the other one… but hell who cares. We weren’t all created equal. Kim’s chest mountains confirm the hell outta that.

Click here for more pictures of Kim Kardashian!

Salma Hayek

Cougars are definitely not exempt from this list. Salma Hayek may still have one of the best racks to date. During an interview she once said that she blessed her tits with holy water when she was younger. YOU HEAR THAT LADIES? There is officially no excuse for you to be flat if God is just hanging out tits like candy.

See more sexy pictures of Salma here!

Denise Milani

Denise Milani’s boobs are an internet sensation and it’s rumored that she made a deal with the Devil at some kind of titty crossroads. Even if the bitch sold her soul, I officially don’t care. I mean, just look at them. It’s 100% worth it.

See more of Denise Milani’s gigantic tits here!

Katy Perry

You gotta love a girl who is fucking mad as a hatter but ridiculously hot, too.  I’m not sure if Katy Perry is all there in the head, but I do know that she looks like she’d be a tiger in the sack. I think that it’d be my wet dream come true if I could do her and her celeb twin, Zooey Deschanel, at the same time. Mmm. Celebtwin-cest.

See more awesome pics of Katy Perry here!

Audrina Patridge

Let me be real clear here – I have no idea what the f Audrina Patridge is famous for. The Hills? The O.C.? Snorting cocaine off of a celebrity tool? But I don’t care, yet again. This girl has got some fantabulous tits and she had better do the world a favor and let me stick them in my mouth.

More Audrina Patridge pictures here!

Jessica Biel

Jessica, oh Jessica. You’re one foxy mama with tits the should be dipped and gold and given to Olympic medalists. And now you are getting banged by Justin Timberlake. I’m cool with that. But that doesn’t mean you have to stop returning my sexts. I’m sure he’d be cool with the video messages I share with you of me petting the pony. Stroking the dragon. Playing fireman. Don’t be such a cold fish anymore.

Check out awesome Jessica Biel pictures in her gallery!

Holly Madison

Holly Madison may be dumb as a sack of hammers and have a certain affinity for sucking old guy dick, but I can’t hold that against her. After all, her tits are circular pieces of heaven on earth. So cum on down Holly, I have a semen-shaped surprise for your jugs!

See more of Holly’s tits here!

Jessica Simpson

Granted, Jess kind of turned into a chunky mess recently but let’s not forget those playful tit kittens. I think because of her recent weight gain that they are going crazier than usual. Regardless, she made the list. Congratulations Jessica Simpson – you met the “was able to help me jerk off onto the monitor” criteria.

As did everyone else. … … I think I need some Windex.

See Jessica Simpson’s gallery here!

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