I have seen the light! No longer will I have boring American girls pinned up in my room to be subjected to objectification night after night (read: masturbatory material). I have found something pure, good and incredibly freakin’ hot. ITALIANS!
Ilaria D’Amico
So, reason the first why this girl is unbelievably amazing and should consider my hand in marriage – she is really into sports. Specifically, she is really into football (but not the American kind). In Italy, she goes as far as hosting a TV show dedicated to football. If this chick can down a pint of beer then throw a KO punch, she’d be God.
Alessia Ventura
And you thought all Venturas were either weird men who talked out of their butts or strange governors. Alessia hosts the Italian game show, Fratelli di test. But that isn’t her only source of fame in Italy; she has been modeling since she was jail bait and just recently she attracted attention as a celebrity contestant on the Italian version of TV’s The Mole. … Hm, I completely forgot about that show. And I intend to do so again.
Frederica Fontana
A hot Italian…blonde? Oh dear God, this is awesome. Freddy works as both a cover model and also as a host of Controcampo-Diritto di replica, a football television show. Damn, these foreign girls know how to be awesome. Oh and by the way, she posed nude in 2004 and there are hot pictures of her everywhere. Just a sidenote.
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Most of these girls have been famous for a while, true. But I feel that in 2009, my late-night pleasure moments have been dedicated to mostly these ladies. And I believe I’m a valid sample of the population, so I’m sure everyone else will agree how bangable and awesome these chicks are.
Denise Milani
Before Denise Milani, I was a hollow shell of a man. I thought that women with gigantic titties were just creatures of myths and legends. Oh how happy I was to be proved wrong by Denise’s knockers. No longer did I stare at my girlfriend’s 32As and think “this is it.” I’m pretty confident that her chest is one of the natural wonders of the world and I would encourage all to make a shrine to it.
Hayden Panettiere
I give Hayden a lot of grief for being midget sized and a little retarded looking sometimes, but she won back my heart in 2009. Heroes, which was sucking for the past two years, had a shockingly good 2009 season. Claire got all lesbian, that perverted guy from Prison Break plays the best bad guy ever and the storyline (for once) isn’t as confusing as hell. So yay hot midgets!
Katy Perry
I get this warm and fuzzy “in love” feeling when I think of Katy Perry. I imagine us together on a beach, singing and drinking and having fun. I’d be massaging her tits and she’d be doing body shots off of some hot chicks. Oh Kitty Purry, why aren’t we together IRL? Is it because I just used the acronym IRL? I swear I can be the man you want me to be!
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As a rule, computer geeks spend way too much time: 1. at the computer 2. playing World of Warcraft 3. watching television. And as a geek, I take #3 very seriously (once I’m done raiding that is). I’ve compiled a list of chicks I see every week on tv that I think are unbelievably tasty. So much so that every night I hug my pillow and cry because I don’t have a girl that great. Or at all.
#5 Katherine Heigl
Where you can find her: Katherine plays Dr. Izzie Stevens on the hit ABC series, Grey’s Anatomy. Katherine runs her perky little tush around Seattle Grace Hospital doing doctor things like spanking nurses and giving patients her special massages (if ABC would let me be a writer). Anyway, she is a doctor there and she straps her massive tits down under powder blue scrubs. It doesn’t matter what the show is about, really. What is important is that Katherine is damn sexy and has even won awards for being one of the most wanted women on television. Enough said.
Katherine is on Grey’s Anatomy on Thursdays at 9p.
Check out more pics of Katherine Heigl
#4 Hayden Panettiere
Where you can find her: Sexy little Hayden plays the un-killable, self-healing hottie on the show Heroes on NBC. She debuted as preppy, tight ass cheerleader but has since found some balls. And lesbianism. In the most recent season, Claire Bennett found some time to have a little girl-on-girl action. Cheerleader + superhero + lesbianism … even a slow kid could figure out Hayden is smoking hot.
Heroes airs at 8p on Mondays on NBC.
Check out more pics of Hayden Panettiere
#3 Jenna Fischer
Where you can find her: Jenna plays the (now-knocked up) Pam on NBC’s The Office. For the first few years The Office was on, I didn’t realize that Pam was hot. I just thought that she was the cute secretary Jim kind of liked. Then I saw her nude in Wired magazine. Then I saw the picture posted above. And um – kind of fucking hot. Not only that but Jenna is funny. And cute. And would make a great mother of our future kids.
Watch her on The Office on Thursdays at 9p!
Check out more pics of Jenna Fischer
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There is one thing that I will never be able to tolerate – women who think they are funny. 99.9% of girls think that they’re a riot, but in actuality, I’d much rather be getting curbstomped IN a riot than listen to them prattle on. I will, however, make some exceptions:
#1 Kristen Wiig
Not only is Kristen Wiig “piss my pants then puke” hilarious, but she is also wicked hot. I mean, ridiculously hot. When a girl is funny (usually a statistical improbability) it multiplies how hot she is by like 4,000. That makes her hotter than Mother Theresa.
I first discovered Kristen Wiig on Saturday Night Live as her overly-competitive character Penelope. I now watch her every Saturday night and I am obsessed with her to the point of what is legally known as stalking. I love you Kristen. Marry me and carry my seed.
#2 Tina Fey
On top of Tina Fey being uber hot, she is also an awesome television/comedy writer and has a super cool scar on her face. She also appeared on SNL, true, but what you didn’t know was that she was the first female head-fucking-writer for Saturday Night Live. And she created and stars in the hit TV series, 30 Rock. And she does a scary-good Sarah Palin impersonation. Jesus, Tina, you make even a successful, strapping, young man such as myself look like a pile of turds.
Oh and I see you Tina Fey. Bending over in that scandalously ridiculous outfit. Don’t think I don’t know what you’re doing to me and my manhood.
#3 Sarah Silverman
Sarah Silverman is one damn fine piece of Jewish ass. She is hot, edgy and it seems that she loves to show some side boobage (see picture above). I’m not sure when I first fell in love with Sarah, but I knew our love was real when I saw her “I’m Fucking Matt Damon” music video. Who wouldn’t love a girl who publicly announces that she is fucking Matt Damon (to her current boyfriend no less). She’s got some balls.
Note: I’m not really into girls with balls. That was 80% metaphorical.
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