I thank God every day that I am best friends with Edgar the security guard at my local Cinemax; that way, when I get caught playing with myself I don’t get sent to jail. And since when is it fair for the sexual predator status to be permanent?
So what girls are in the recent box office hits that I want to bang? So glad you asked!
Michelle Rodriguez, Avatar
Avatar is good enough without a supremely hot chick. I could get off to human/cat relations any day. But the fact that they added that droopy-eyed skank to the mix? Genius! Michelle is a mystery. In movies, she always plays a dyke-ish bitch who I hate the entire time. But in real life, she is such a funny sweetheart. I can most effectively express both my affection and hatred by giving her a facial.
Lake Bell, It’s Complicated
You might think I’m disgusting for wanting to see It’s Complicated. I know that it’s a chick flick, but my idol Lake Bell is in it. And when I say idol I am being literal and describing the idol I made out of cum in Lake’s honor. She is hot, funny and a little bit scary. SHE is why I want to see It’s Complicated. … and I kind of wish Alec Baldwin was my dad.
Rachel McAdams, Sherlock Holmes
Rachel McAdams is one of the hottest women at the movies today. I’ve had a soft spot in my heart for Rachel ever since I saw her in The Notebook… because I broke up with my emotional bitch of a girlfriend after seeing that stupid movie. So Rachel is a symbol of my sweet release. In more ways than one.
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