Kristin Cavallari looked spectacular in a recent Rolling Stone photoshoot. So spectacular, in fact, that I have finalized my plan to woo her. One night in the near future when she is walking towards her darkened Honda Civic in the empty Giant Eagle parking lot on Main street, I’ll jump out of the shadows with choloform and rope and show her just how much I love her. She’ll be fine though, don’t worry. I’ll put her down in a hole in my basement and speak soothingly to her while I rub the lotion into its skin.
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