I thank God every day that I am best friends with Edgar the security guard at my local Cinemax; that way, when I get caught playing with myself I don’t get sent to jail. And since when is it fair for the sexual predator status to be permanent?
So what girls are in the recent box office hits that I want to bang? So glad you asked!
Michelle Rodriguez, Avatar
Avatar is good enough without a supremely hot chick. I could get off to human/cat relations any day. But the fact that they added that droopy-eyed skank to the mix? Genius! Michelle is a mystery. In movies, she always plays a dyke-ish bitch who I hate the entire time. But in real life, she is such a funny sweetheart. I can most effectively express both my affection and hatred by giving her a facial.
Lake Bell, It’s Complicated
You might think I’m disgusting for wanting to see It’s Complicated. I know that it’s a chick flick, but my idol Lake Bell is in it. And when I say idol I am being literal and describing the idol I made out of cum in Lake’s honor. She is hot, funny and a little bit scary. SHE is why I want to see It’s Complicated. … and I kind of wish Alec Baldwin was my dad.
Rachel McAdams, Sherlock Holmes
Rachel McAdams is one of the hottest women at the movies today. I’ve had a soft spot in my heart for Rachel ever since I saw her in The Notebook… because I broke up with my emotional bitch of a girlfriend after seeing that stupid movie. So Rachel is a symbol of my sweet release. In more ways than one.
Kristen Stewart, New Moon
Even though I’m kind of sick of seeing Kristen Stewart at the movie theater, I just can’t quit stalking her. (Hardy har.) But in all seriousness, I’d want to screw the crap out of that girl but she needs to stop being in those annoying Twilight movies.
Sarah Jessica Parker, Have You Heard About the Morgans
For a horse-face, Sarah Jessica Parker has a smoking hot body. So I can forgive her face about 14% of the time. She and Hugh Grant are trying the whole romantic comedy thing. The only thing good about that is that I might get to see her ass. The bad part about it is that romantic comedies make my girlfriend believe that some day I might be convinced to get married. (Not a chance.)
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