The news lately has been full of discussion about Tiger’s mistresses and how whorish they are (and how strangely strong Elin is). Forget that attempted Detroit plane bombing, that’s old news! So the mistress talk got me thinking – what are some other hotties out there willing to put out if you’re rich and famous? (Sadly, I’m neither.)

Ashley Dupre – Banged Governor Elliot Spitzer

Ashley Dupre, aka Kristen when she is working as a call girl, stands out in my mind because she is smoking hot for a white trash whore. Elliot Spitzer, not a very attractive governor, was all up in Ashley and apparently people cared about that. Personally, I don’t trust a politician unless they have a hot piece of ass on their arm.

Rachel Uchitel – Banged Tiger Woods, David Boreanaz, Others???

Granted, all mistresses are kind of slutty, but Rachel takes the cake. Married men that are famous and rich are her specialty. If I had a million dollars and was in Rachel’s club, damn straight I’d give this chick my number. Did you see her tits? It just saddens me that she got the good guys like Tiger and David. I always imagined them sitting around with their model-esque wives, barbecuing and telling tales to their cubs/children. Instead they were ramming Rachel up the bum. Eh. I didn’t believe marital bliss existed anyway!

Angelina Jolie – Banged Billy Bob Thorton & Brad Pitt

Now, Angelina denied any sexual activity with Brad Pitt while he was still with Jennifer Aniston, but we all know that is a lie. If any man came within 10 feet of Angelina Jolie, they would cum. It’s science. With Billy Bob, on the other hand, I think it was pretty out in the open that Angelina was sucking Billy’s D while he was still married. Billy Bob is my idol. He is the goofiest looking MFer and he got to slam this? Unfair! God, look at my of Angelina here. Ridiculous.

Oksana Grigorieva – Banged Jew-Hater Mel Gibson

Oksana, a pretty Russian singer, wiggled her way into Mel Gibson’s 29-year-and-seven-kids marriage. Now that takes talent. There is no denying that Mel was probably a miserable S.O.B, but with that many ties to his wife it seemed pretty improbable that they would split up. Wrong. Not only Oksana get in there and lay William Wallace, but she also married the guy.

Sienna Miller – Banged Balthazar Getty (while Jude slammed someone else)

You’ve got to hand it to Sienna, she has balls of metaphorical steel. When she found out that her long-time lay Jude Law was banging the hot nanny, Daisy, she didn’t stand for it. What did she do? Dumped Jude’s ass and slept with some guy named Balthazar Getty, who was married at the time. And who was named Balthazar. Which is the name of one of the Three Wise Men. So she screwed Jesus’ friend. Rad.

By the way, women, learn your lesson. NEVER HIRE THE HOT NANNY. Your husband will bang her 100% of the time.

Marilyn Monroe – Banged John F. Kennedy

Marilyn is the sex symbol of the century. She took beauty, audacity and sluttiness and mixed it into an unforgettable package. Even though she has been passed on for a while, men STILL jerk it to her. … which is morbid, I know. But I can’t help that I only have old Playboys my grandpa left lying around. She slept with JFK, you know that really famous president who was shot and crap? And who was sleeping with Jackie O at the time. (Who I also still whack off to.) Marilyn Monroe, we bow down before you.

Rebecca Loos – Banged David Beckham

Rebecca (ANOTHER hot nanny) and David were banging behind Victoria’s back. But these wives need to get a clue. It doesn’t take an hour and fifteen minutes for two people to change a baby’s diaper. This does give my girlfriend hope, though. I’d marry and impregnate her if that meant I get to pound some hot 18-year old nanny ass someday.

Loos? … Hahaha her last name means toilet.

Elizabeth Taylor – Banged Eddie Fisher and Richard Burton

Elizabeth was a hot damsel in her day – hot enough to steal away TWO married men, Eddie Fisher and Richard Burton. She was the sweet sort of mistress though. After ravaging a guy for months while the wife was unaware, she’d marry it once the poor guy got a divorce. She was a slut and she knew it. At one point she admitted “I guess the world thinks of me as such a scarlet woman, I’m almost purple.” Want to know what else is purple, Eliza?

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