Oh Hollywood starlets… how do you do the voodoo that you do? Wait, I know how! You all have extremely mouthwatering, perky tits on your chests. If anyone wants to get my attention all they need to do is shove some tits in my face and I’m theirs! I would ignore a kitten staked to the ground that was fully engulfed in fire if I had a good pair of knockers to ogle.
Scarlett Johansson
Scarbear wins this competition hands down – or tits out! There is nothing more I want for Christmas than to give her sweater puppies a pet. If it wasn’t for this damned restraining order!!! Fact: Ryan Reynolds is the luckiest man alive.
Check out more Scarlett Johansson cleavage here!
Kim Kardashian
This post wouldn’t be complete without a tit-tastic shout out to the attention monger, Kim Kardashian. I feel kind of bad for her monster sister and then the other one… but hell who cares. We weren’t all created equal. Kim’s chest mountains confirm the hell outta that.
Click here for more pictures of Kim Kardashian!
Salma Hayek
Cougars are definitely not exempt from this list. Salma Hayek may still have one of the best racks to date. During an interview she once said that she blessed her tits with holy water when she was younger. YOU HEAR THAT LADIES? There is officially no excuse for you to be flat if God is just hanging out tits like candy.
I’m 100% convinced that this wasn’t even a photoshoot, but some photogs just were following Lindsay Lohan around for a day. I mean, Lindsay is kind of sexy in a “I’d never, ever touch that” kind of way. So here she is in Muse, looking nasty yet sexy. I’m not sure if Muse is a porn mag, fetish mag or just a dirty celeb mag… but any of those definitions would seem to fit our Lindsay. There are some pretty good shots of her tits and ass, but let me be honest here. I’ve seen the damn things a million times already. I want to see something new next time… like maybe Lindsay eating a 20-inch long Subway meatball sub.
I’m Carrie Underwood’s ass’s number one fan. Most of the time I abhor everything related to country music; it’s the music of pain, sorrow, dead dogs, fanatic Christians and incest. But when it comes to Carrie… even if she was my sister, I’d be banging her up against the headboard every damn night with that ass of hers.
Holly Madison, just because you turned 30 recently doesn’t mean you have to let yourself go. Good God. The dress? Boring. The face? Passable. The breasts? Disgusting.
I love Anna Paquin. The day she played Rogue in Xmen was one of the days my penis died and went to heaven. Not only that, but now she is playing Sookie Stackhouse and the wildly popular (and rightfully so) True Blood on HBO. Which, it beats the shit out of Twilight, by the way. There isn’t any “will they, won’t they kiss” shit. I get to see Sookie get railed hard by her 180 year old boyfriend who also happens to be a vampire. Um. Yeah. No comparison.
I knew I was a Christian for some reason. And this holiday season, an angel came down and told me what that reason was with its cherubic little angel lips: Denise Milani’s gigantic fucking knockers. Denise’s sweater puppies covered in my semen is the reason for the season, folks.
First things first – who the fuck spells naughty “NOUGHTY”? Jesus, British people, get a life. Anyway, Rachel Stevens is delicious and NOUGHTY in January 2010′s FHM. 2010 is definitely the year of Rachel. Not only is she starting out the year in FHM, but she also has a fucktastic 
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