New Years Eve is a stupid pseudo-holiday that people celebrate. Why? I have no idea. The passing of time happens every year but no, we look to get blasted drunk to celebrate it. Every year. Now this could be my lonely bitterness talking, I don’t know. But instead of focusing on what the hell the lyrics to auld lang syne are, let’s focus on the hot, new T.V. chicks of 2009.
Ashley Benson & Rebecca Romijn – Eastwick
I’m pretty sure this show is a reboot of the old show the Witches of Eastwick, but I find myself hardly caring. If the cast is a lineup of blonde bombshell skanks like Ashley and Rebecca, the storyline doesn’t really matter. I’ll be watching this crap. I mean, they’re witches. If Buffy The Vampire Slayer taught us anything, it’s that “witch” is a synonym for “lesbian.”
Nina Dobrev & Katerina Graham – The Vampire Diaries
Yes, this is the millionth Hollywood inclusion of vampires this year. Am I sick of it, you ask? Hell no. These vampire shows always have skinny little girls playing the love interests of the 160 year-old men. Daddy likes. Nina Dobrev’s throaty voice is enough to make me smile… so don’t judge me for adding this show to my DVR. DON’T JUDGE ME.
Michelle Trachtenberg & Taylor Schilling – Mercy
Every time I see Michelle Trachtenberg I feel a little guilty for wanting her – she looks fifteen. But then I remember she is legal so then me and Mr. Joe go to Pleasuretown. This new hospital-setting-whatever show looks all right. I might actually watch it if Michelle shows her racks in every episode. I hope that was part of her contract.
Ah, 2009. What a great year. We’ve had some laughs, especially over that Taylor Swift getting her mic jacked at the VMAs. I bet someone had to tap that ass all night just to cheer her up, poor thing. There were more controversies and scandals than just that, though. Take a gander at all of the scandals of 2009!
Now if Meghan McCain and her rack ran for President in 2008, she would have won. This girl has an amazing rack. I’m so glad that she did her patriotic duty and showed them off to the world via the Internet. Isn’t it a wonderful tool, Meg? I’m sure your dad would be proud.
Erin Andrews, the over the top hottest sports reporter, apparently has a bad case of “leaves the hotel door open.” This past year a nude video of her circulated through cyberspace. Apparently this video of her walking around her hotel room naked wasn’t supposed to be released – or filmed for that matter. The responsible party is a peeping Tom (or Tina, just to be fair). But thanks to this scandal, I had to reformat my computer. The Erin Andrews video link was a common source of “HAHA SCREW YOU” viruses
The news lately has been full of discussion about Tiger’s mistresses and how whorish they are (and how strangely strong Elin is). Forget that attempted Detroit plane bombing, that’s old news! So the mistress talk got me thinking – what are some other hotties out there willing to put out if you’re rich and famous? (Sadly, I’m neither.)
Ashley Dupre, aka Kristen when she is working as a call girl, stands out in my mind because she is smoking hot for a white trash whore. Elliot Spitzer, not a very attractive governor, was all up in Ashley and apparently people cared about that. Personally, I don’t trust a politician unless they have a hot piece of ass on their arm.
Granted, all mistresses are kind of slutty, but Rachel takes the cake. Married men that are famous and rich are her specialty. If I had a million dollars and was in Rachel’s club, damn straight I’d give this chick my number. Did you see her tits? It just saddens me that she got the good guys like Tiger and David. I always imagined them sitting around with their model-esque wives, barbecuing and telling tales to their cubs/children. Instead they were ramming Rachel up the bum. Eh. I didn’t believe marital bliss existed anyway!
Now, Angelina denied any sexual activity with Brad Pitt while he was still with Jennifer Aniston, but we all know that is a lie. If any man came within 10 feet of Angelina Jolie, they would cum. It’s science. With Billy Bob, on the other hand, I think it was pretty out in the open that Angelina was sucking Billy’s D while he was still married. Billy Bob is my idol. He is the goofiest looking MFer and he got to slam this? Unfair! God, 
Avatar is good enough without a supremely hot chick. I could get off to human/cat relations any day. But the fact that they added that droopy-eyed skank to the mix? Genius! Michelle is a mystery. In movies, she always plays a dyke-ish bitch who I hate the entire time. But in real life, she is such a funny sweetheart. I can most effectively express both my affection and hatred by giving her a facial.
Rachel McAdams is one of the hottest women at the movies today. I’ve had a soft spot in my heart for Rachel ever since I saw her in The Notebook… because I broke up with my emotional bitch of a girlfriend after seeing that stupid movie. So Rachel is a symbol of my sweet release. In more ways than one.
Nothing gets me hornier than a Santa outfit (and I’m not necessarily excluding mall Santas here, as long as there are ridiculously hot women underneath those beards). And I know no better way of celebrating Christmas other than getting your ass horny.
I’m pretty sure Santa is going to have to put Lucy on his naughty list this year. Not because she could ever do anything wrong, but that old guy wants to give her a spanking. And let’s be honest here, who doesn’t? I have no idea why she is all naked in front of some family’s Christmas tree, but I approve with my whole heart.
Heidi wins the award for the most creative, slutty Christmas outfits ever. A snowflake? A bow? And here was I was starting to get sick of the chicks dressing as slutty Santas (not really). Heidi, you give me hope! 
Michelle is the type of girl I’d want to take home to meet my mother. After meeting my mother, I’d drag her into the bathroom and do stuff to her in the shower stall. But still. My mother! Michelle is sweet as can be and has an ass that should be winning awards. Merry Christmas you sexy Santa.
Even in the summer this black dress would be kind of skimpy, but Blake decided to throw it on the week before Christmas. I know you’re in London Blake, so you’re all excited about being out of the country, but you’re down not in the southern hemisphere which would warrant a small-ass dress. Do I even see leotard crotch? There are people standing behind you in stupid parkas, B.
When I first saw these hot pictures of Elena Gomez, I thought maybe she was a pornstar or she taught some kind of class at the local YMCA. No. She is a Spanish gymnast. Gymnasts in general are strong as hell and they could probably beat me into a bloody pulp with their pinky. But Elena is the floor kind where she twirl ribbons and somersault, which is nerdy. It’s the equivalent of those kids who were too nerdy to even be in a band in high school, so they did color guard.
It should be illegal for Gabriela to wear anything but skimpy little panties. It’s a crime against humanity and nature for her to cover up her stemmy legs and gorgeous ass. She is, of course, Brazilian. But she is a handicapped model – she stands only at 5’8″. She is one of the only fashion models I know of that is below 5’10″ and this must be traumatic for her. I think she needs me to wrap her in a faux fur blanket, rub baby oil into her supple skin and soothingly stroke her hair in front of a fire. Because that’s what I’m prepared to do. Some people have to make sacrifices, you know?
Lara Bingle craving some attention is the only reason I can think of why there are so many bikini pictures of her floating around. Her name is vaguely holiday-related and that’s enough for me. She doesn’t have to whore herself out to get my love, affection and byproducts all over her ass. JUST ASK LARA, JUST ASK!
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