Archive for November, 2009

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Celebs Who Take Turkey Day Too Seriously

Thursday, November 26th, 2009 | 1 Comment

Stuffing your face with stuffing is a well-embraced tradition for the citizens of the United States on Thanksgiving… but it’s sad to say that some people take it a little too seriously. My fat Aunt Carol and celebrities included. Here are the top celebrities who really need to lay off the gravy and mashed potatoes, unless next year they want to be featured as a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon.

Keely Shaye Smith

Come on Keely. You’re married to JAMES BOND. Why on this green earth are you the size of a large moon, or maybe a very small planet? I mean I’m not going to say that you are ugly now that you have a few extra pounds of cellulite, but it doesn’t make sense to me. Not that Pierce Brosnan is quite the hunky anymore, but get a grip. And not on candy.

If you want to check out Keely when she was hot (aka not fat) check out the thumb!

Before the fat:

Jessica Simpson

Now I know what you’re thinking, “WHAT? JESSICA SIMPSON? FUCK SHE IS STILL HOT!” Well, I have some news for you. Jessica Simp maybe be considered to be within the normal BMI range but! She was so damn hot before that now this minor weight gain makes even worse. It’s like turning gold into dog turds.

Before the fat:

Britney Spears

Britney is a barrel full of fucking insane, we all know this. So the addition of her being fat is just hilarious, rather than sad (like it is with the uber hot Jessica Simpson). At one point I wanted so badly to hit her just one more time… until she started hitting her face with cream sticks. Why can’t we have the non-crazy, hot, underage Britney back?

Before the fat:

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Top 5 Hotties in Primetime

Wednesday, November 25th, 2009 | 4 Comments

oliviaisis

As a rule, computer geeks spend way too much time: 1. at the computer 2. playing World of Warcraft 3. watching television. And as a geek, I take #3 very seriously (once I’m done raiding that is). I’ve compiled a list of chicks I see every week on tv that I think are unbelievably tasty. So much so that every night I hug my pillow and cry because I don’t have a girl that great. Or at all.

#5 Katherine Heigl

Where you can find her: Katherine plays Dr. Izzie Stevens on the hit ABC series, Grey’s Anatomy. Katherine runs her perky little tush around Seattle Grace Hospital doing doctor things like spanking nurses and giving patients her special massages (if ABC would let me be a writer). Anyway, she is a doctor there and she straps her massive tits down under powder blue scrubs. It doesn’t matter what the show is about, really. What is important is that Katherine is damn sexy and has even won awards for being one of the most wanted women on television. Enough said.

Katherine is on Grey’s Anatomy on Thursdays at 9p.

Check out more pics of Katherine Heigl

#4 Hayden Panettiere

Where you can find her: Sexy little Hayden plays the un-killable, self-healing hottie on the show Heroes on NBC. She debuted as preppy, tight ass cheerleader but has since found some balls. And lesbianism. In the most recent season, Claire Bennett found some time to have a little girl-on-girl action. Cheerleader + superhero + lesbianism … even a slow kid could figure out Hayden is smoking hot.

Heroes airs at 8p on Mondays on NBC.

Check out more pics of Hayden Panettiere

#3 Jenna Fischer

Where you can find her: Jenna plays the (now-knocked up) Pam on NBC’s The Office. For the first few years The Office was on, I didn’t realize that Pam was hot. I just thought that she was the cute secretary Jim kind of liked. Then I saw her nude in Wired magazine. Then I saw the picture posted above. And um – kind of fucking hot. Not only that but Jenna is funny. And cute. And would make a great mother of our future kids.

Watch her on The Office on Thursdays at 9p!

Check out more pics of Jenna Fischer

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Italian Nicole Bahls Makes My Bahls Happy

Wednesday, November 25th, 2009 | No Comments

I’ve never heard of Nicole Bahls before, but this Italian hottie seems worth a post. And who am I to pass judgment anyway? If I see revealing photos of a stunning Italian model… who am I to say that the huge rack and plump ass is unworthy (and they aren’t, by the way).  I also see she is having a minor bikini malfunction. Maybe I should help her. My tongue is very adept at assisting boobs.

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Good Morning Rihanna!

Wednesday, November 25th, 2009 | No Comments

4 out of 5 doctors agree that the best way to start your day is with a big helping of tight Rihanna ass. Rihanna, God love her, wanted to help us out. She performed in a super short white blazer and pantyhose on Good Morning America, displaying her tight little abused ass. I wish Barack Obama would mandate that all hot chicks dress in inappropriately short jackets and pantyhose every day. (Presidents can do that right?)

On a related note – all of Rihanna’s minions are dressed in peacoats, sweaters and gloves. How the H is Rihanna not freezing her womanly bits off during freezing New York fall weather? My theory is that she is a succubus.

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Danielle Lloyd Shows Us Some Tit

Tuesday, November 24th, 2009 | No Comments

Want to know what puts Thanksgiving into perspective and makes me really appreciate my life? Huge fucking tits.

That’s why this year I want to say Thanks! to Danielle Lloyd a couple days early:

Dear Danielle,

Thank you for letting photographers take pictures of your enormous boobies so that they could publish them in Nuts magazine. As I eat sweet yams and turkey breast made by my dear Nana this Thanksgiving, I will be only thinking of your and your ginormous fucking knockers.

Amen.

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Kim Kardashian Tweets Herself for All

Tuesday, November 24th, 2009 | No Comments

Bravo, Twitter. You have accomplished one good thing in your entire existence.

Kim Kardashian must have been bored this week. Instead of feeding her ass or whining about whatever she does (???) she posted…a surprisingly fucking awesome picture of herself via Twitpic. She twittered/tweeted/twatted herself back into the hearts and pants of millions. Touché, Kim. You know how to keep a man’s attention. Unlike my alcoholic mother.

Kudos to Kim for her bangtastic ass… but it doesn’t help her personality. Her tweets are fucking retarded and boring as hell:

Rocky just peed on my new Birkin bag!!! I want to kill him! U have noooo idea how I feel right now! I know he’s a puppy but SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!

I liked women better when they weren’t allowed to speak. Like. SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!!

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Top 5 Funny Chicks I Want/Need to Bang

Tuesday, November 24th, 2009 | 1 Comment

There is one thing that I will never be able to tolerate – women who think they are funny. 99.9% of girls think that they’re a riot, but in actuality, I’d much rather be getting curbstomped IN a riot than listen to them prattle on. I will, however, make some exceptions:

#1 Kristen Wiig

Not only is Kristen Wiig “piss my pants then puke” hilarious, but she is also wicked hot. I mean, ridiculously hot. When a girl is funny (usually a statistical improbability) it multiplies how hot she is by like 4,000. That makes her hotter than Mother Theresa.

I first discovered Kristen Wiig on Saturday Night Live as her overly-competitive character Penelope. I now watch her every Saturday night and I am obsessed with  her to the point of what is legally known as stalking. I love you Kristen. Marry me and carry my seed.

#2 Tina Fey

On top of Tina Fey being uber hot, she is also an awesome television/comedy writer and has a super cool scar on her face. She also appeared on SNL, true, but what you didn’t know was that she was the first female head-fucking-writer for Saturday Night Live. And she created and stars in the hit TV series, 30 Rock. And she does a scary-good Sarah Palin impersonation. Jesus, Tina, you make even a successful, strapping, young man such as myself look like a pile of turds.

Oh and I see you Tina Fey. Bending over in that scandalously ridiculous outfit. Don’t think I don’t know what you’re doing to me and my manhood.

#3 Sarah Silverman

Sarah Silverman is one damn fine piece of Jewish ass. She is hot, edgy and it seems that she loves to show some side boobage (see picture above). I’m not sure when I first fell in love with Sarah, but I knew our love was real when I saw her “I’m Fucking Matt Damon” music video. Who wouldn’t love a girl who publicly announces that she is fucking Matt Damon (to her current boyfriend no less). She’s got some balls.

Note: I’m not really into girls with balls. That was 80% metaphorical.

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Rihanna At The AMAs

Monday, November 23rd, 2009 | No Comments

Unfortunately I could only find this one picture of her, but it was so hot it was worth mentioning. Rihanna looked fine as she wore this outfit that barely covered up her lady parts. She performed last night at the American Music Awards and showed off her true talent (which is her body) with this striped outfit that made me jizz in my pants.

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Kate Hudson Shows Off A-Cup Cleavage

Monday, November 23rd, 2009 | No Comments

As I mentioned last week, Kate Hudson has less boobs than my man boobs, so it’s surprising that she even had the tits to hold up this saggy dress. I was watching the AMAs with such hope that there would be a nipple slip coming from Ms. Hudson but to no avail. But I do have to comment on that ugly ass dress and her lack of a hairstyle. She needs to hire some more gay men to fix her shit.

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Shakira’s Bangin’ Booty

Monday, November 23rd, 2009 | No Comments

Even though I couldn’t name a single Shakira song, I have to admit that I like staring at her ghetto booty. Here she is at the American Music Awards last night showing off her phat ass in this dress that looks like it was painted on her body. That is one damn fine ass that makes you want to take a bite out of it whenever she sticks it out.

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